ill be there

listening to all be there by declan. i can cry a little now. for like 3 seconds then its like some one dams my tears. if my heart is so prtected why does it still hurt. why did this happen. i would give anything to have him back. i love him so much. i hate living. i feel alone and abandoned. why is he doing this. does he even care. doesnt anyone ever?? aparently not. people are to caring about themselfs to see who there hurting,scarring,breakind. i wish i could sleep forever

the will to cry

why cant i cry. i want to.. i havent been able to cry in a long long time. sometimes i can force a tear out. but thats all. i want to cry. get it all out. but i just feel numb. sad numb and regretful, hopeless. i want to be happy. too not miss him. i want to get over it. but i cant if i cant even cry over it. nothing phases me anymore.nothing matters anymore..

full of hate not of life!

drugs are bad drinking is horrible LIES LIES LIES LIES give me a bottle of pills ill down them all i want to sleep forever love its overrated!! if i dont believe in love i cannot get hurt right?? i loved him and he hurt me mentally physically emotionally and then threw me away like garbage. guys are after one thing: causing pain. im locking my heart away in a box. and becoming an octopus man lady. im so frustrated i wanna cry. i cant cry i can pretend im ok. i do pretend i am ok but i am still hiding behing my mask old worn and dusty from new urban.. enjoy her buddy.. so your with her not with me i hope she sweet and so pretty. i hope you never see my face again. i hope you miss me i hope you wish you could undo it. i hope you try.. because when you do i will break your heart like you broke mine. there is a new guy who wrote a poem to me. from the heart and the only thing you ever gave me was a sprained wrist a bloody nose bruises... he makes me smile you made me cry.he makes me feel better when your bringing me down... even tho were over you continue to hurt me. push me down and he is the one that helped me back up. i hate you for making me love you. and now... you have lost me. there is no hope for you because now.. i am his. and i am no longer bruised or cut or hurting. my scars are there but everything you ever gave me is healing..

over whelemed!

its been hard... things i thought would happen wont...things seem out of reach.. life seems a little pointless. i always thought life had meaning and purpose but now i think i was naive and young. life has nothing instore except diffuculties. im aware that half of our population belives in god but the harder i look the more i belive there isnt any. and were here to fend for ourselves and make life whatever we can. and i am trying as hard as i can but still not achiving any of my dreams. im so frustrated all the time. i ask myself why alot and i regret alot...stopping piano..not continuing ice skating...soccer...art.. i am not good at anything except failing. i even failed at this blog. life is too much work.

wow

its been a LOOOONNGG ass time since i wrote in here i cant belive its been 5 years since i started it!! so much has changed. ryan is a little crzy and andrew ran away..last year..i miss him... he was 11. chance got eaten by coons like 3 yrs ago. my best friend emily ketchum lives with me now cuz her folks went to cali... i got my ged after 4 yrs at new urban and now i am going to mount hood community college. im studing to be a special ed teacher for pre k.. lol i had the best summer of my life last summer. partys and the river (where i almost drowned) and hanging at the mall... its been a blast. paul moved to grants pass. i miss him but thats were he wants to be so i am glad he is happy. anyways il try writing more in this mmmmmk? mmk lol