finale age 22

hello absent followers, recently I came accrossed this blog I started in 05. Its now 2013..8 years later. I cannot believe how much time has passed...the things I've been through the growing up I've done..i must say I was definatly a teenager at the time haha. But I have decided to lay this blog to rest...and with it start anew. But before I do I might as well update nobody on things..well me and Ryan never did get back together but that's ok. He actually has a baby now and a new girlfriend named Liz. I'm happy for them. Well I guess she's not new they are going on 4 years..my its windy tonight as I lay on my couch at emilys. Who by the way also has a 2 year old named Rebekah..they're kind enough to allow me to stay until I get back on my feet. But patience ill get to that. So after Ryan and my split I got together with josh carter..oh boy was that a waste of my life...now see Ryan I wouldn't take back I lived I learned and I will always hold Ryan in my heart. He was my first love my first everything. But josh...he was not so very lovable. But let me start at the beginning. At first he was great. Unlike Ryan he didn't smoke drink or do drugs. He was perfect it seemed. Had a car was kind of an asshole but I over looked that..and man was he buff.. Oh yeah those arms were to die for..but he had a secret.. He was playing lots of girls all at once. And he was quite the manipulater. After 3 months things fell apart. He left me for another girl leading me to believe it was my fault. He lied and cheated me for months leading me on. It wasn't until 2 full years later that I found out about the other girl. And anyone reading this who knows jwic should heed my warning
. He will make you believe your crazy rather then llet you find out how lowlife he is. Be careful. He not only emotionally and verbally abused me but there was alot of physical abuse as well. I feel for Brittany. Who buys into his crap. But anyways way off topic. He was a mistake. And we were on again off again for 3 years. (yes he had other girlfriends at the same time. No I didn't know) and after josh there was the one thing I'd been missing...jd. Oh JD is something alright. Sweet caring nice..today was our five month. Crazy isnt it how time flys. But anyways enough about my love life.. Summer 2013 I met Shannon my birth mother..it was scary and exciting. And I love them already I also met Tristan and Andrew my brother and sister. Its crazy but I miss them and yet I barely know them. Hugging my mother was the best thing I've ever experianced. I was part of the world record for redheads I met graverobber from repo! I had Daniel and Evelyn as temorary spawn. I gained new friends and lost old ones...michelle is a meth head heroin addict and no more then a hollow shell of what she once was. Rachel is doing good she died then was resurected. Katie is my best friend. Mark is still living with his mom but has a job. He is no longer speaking to Alex. Alex has many jobs and a very pretty girlfriend. Brandon is still Brandon. I am beautiful and have competed in the scam of audition America. Kori urban and Jessica are married. (not to each other) I am not in contact with any fccsers sadly. Even Alex grant the old love of my life haha. Someday maybe we will reconnect. I had apartments..i lost apartments I had a job at chevron..i lost my job at chevron.. I am currently trying to work at KFC with Emily until I can get a better job and move out with Katie taquito and Bambi..(JD and Steven) ahh taquito. He's one of my best friends I dont know how I forgot to mention him. He's dating Katie I think they are very good together. I went to Vegas for my 22 birthday with my mom and aunt Margo. I had a dog..i gave her up. Dililah.. Kitler Leah cats of my past and present. I had kacee for ridding me of kitler. I will never forgive him I hope he loses everything. That's all I can think of. Thank you for saving a few memories for me all these years.
BRIANNA G

ill be there

listening to all be there by declan. i can cry a little now. for like 3 seconds then its like some one dams my tears. if my heart is so prtected why does it still hurt. why did this happen. i would give anything to have him back. i love him so much. i hate living. i feel alone and abandoned. why is he doing this. does he even care. doesnt anyone ever?? aparently not. people are to caring about themselfs to see who there hurting,scarring,breakind. i wish i could sleep forever

the will to cry

why cant i cry. i want to.. i havent been able to cry in a long long time. sometimes i can force a tear out. but thats all. i want to cry. get it all out. but i just feel numb. sad numb and regretful, hopeless. i want to be happy. too not miss him. i want to get over it. but i cant if i cant even cry over it. nothing phases me anymore.nothing matters anymore..

full of hate not of life!

drugs are bad drinking is horrible LIES LIES LIES LIES give me a bottle of pills ill down them all i want to sleep forever love its overrated!! if i dont believe in love i cannot get hurt right?? i loved him and he hurt me mentally physically emotionally and then threw me away like garbage. guys are after one thing: causing pain. im locking my heart away in a box. and becoming an octopus man lady. im so frustrated i wanna cry. i cant cry i can pretend im ok. i do pretend i am ok but i am still hiding behing my mask old worn and dusty from new urban.. enjoy her buddy.. so your with her not with me i hope she sweet and so pretty. i hope you never see my face again. i hope you miss me i hope you wish you could undo it. i hope you try.. because when you do i will break your heart like you broke mine. there is a new guy who wrote a poem to me. from the heart and the only thing you ever gave me was a sprained wrist a bloody nose bruises... he makes me smile you made me cry.he makes me feel better when your bringing me down... even tho were over you continue to hurt me. push me down and he is the one that helped me back up. i hate you for making me love you. and now... you have lost me. there is no hope for you because now.. i am his. and i am no longer bruised or cut or hurting. my scars are there but everything you ever gave me is healing..

over whelemed!

its been hard... things i thought would happen wont...things seem out of reach.. life seems a little pointless. i always thought life had meaning and purpose but now i think i was naive and young. life has nothing instore except diffuculties. im aware that half of our population belives in god but the harder i look the more i belive there isnt any. and were here to fend for ourselves and make life whatever we can. and i am trying as hard as i can but still not achiving any of my dreams. im so frustrated all the time. i ask myself why alot and i regret alot...stopping piano..not continuing ice skating...soccer...art.. i am not good at anything except failing. i even failed at this blog. life is too much work.

wow

its been a LOOOONNGG ass time since i wrote in here i cant belive its been 5 years since i started it!! so much has changed. ryan is a little crzy and andrew ran away..last year..i miss him... he was 11. chance got eaten by coons like 3 yrs ago. my best friend emily ketchum lives with me now cuz her folks went to cali... i got my ged after 4 yrs at new urban and now i am going to mount hood community college. im studing to be a special ed teacher for pre k.. lol i had the best summer of my life last summer. partys and the river (where i almost drowned) and hanging at the mall... its been a blast. paul moved to grants pass. i miss him but thats were he wants to be so i am glad he is happy. anyways il try writing more in this mmmmmk? mmk lol

hey... frankly idk what to say. my life feels like its at wits end, boyfriend, school, drama, idk what to think. my lifes been rather stress full latley. i have a boyfriend who i love that doesn know if he wants a gf right now.. in the past months ive been cheated on, bad at school, a skipper and into bad things, i dont kno what i want to be or even if ill be able to make it at life. ive seen things and experianced things i cannot put into words. im not even sure if im capable of growing up. im pretty fucked up. not drug wise persay but in general.all i know for sure is that life is pretty tough.. and so is love..... first off i want my relationship with ryan to continue and i want to be with him for the rest of my life... and i recentley had a big ordeal with him because he says he doesnt know if he wants a serios relationship with me, life is tough and it seems almost every day i am tested and challenged with social and personal interactions and obsticals. with less then 5 months before i am 18, i dont feel ready to face the world or that i am even capable of it.i am not ready, lately it seems i am on my own, its really hit me that i cannot rely on my parents or anyone else for support. i am truly alone.